Life Gives Us Many Chances to Start Over Again, Like a Cat With Nine Lives

1 - My name is Andrea. I am happy to have found this site. I am a survivor of sibling abuse -- emotional, physical, and sexual. I was the only girl out of five boys. My parents were devout Irish Catholic and very proud. My father was an attorney and my mother a nurse. We were the "perfect" family. We had such a good reputation. I continually heard from immediate and extended family how blessed I was to be the only "O'Brien" girl. My mother worked the 3-11:00pm shift at a children's hospital. Therefore, my brothers were in charge from the time we got home from school until my dad got home. However, when my dad got home he never protected me from their brutality. My five brothers would make me sit on the floor and they sat in a circle around me. They would repeatedly say, "Ugly, ugly..." Sometimes they would break a small mirror and say, "See, you are so ugly that you broke the mirror." There were so many other forms of emotional abuse. I loved animals and they would give my animals acid and other drugs and they often died. One time they mutilated my pet rabbit. That rabbit was my best friend because I would always tell him about my abuse. The physical abuse was frequent as well. One time my brothers picked me up and threw me in a bunch of rose bushes. It hurt more trying to untangle my small body from the thorns of those bushes than it did being thrown into the bushes. My dad witnessed all these acts minus the drugging of my pets. When ever they did anything to me and I would cry to my dad he would say, "Just be glad they do those things to you because it means they love you." I can remember hearing that phrase over and over again. My oldest brother was very nice to me one day. He asked me if I wanted to see something "really cool." I was only five and I was thrilled he was being nice to me. He told me if I wanted to see something really cool it would have to be our secret. I was glowing just thinking that my oldest brother was going to share something "special" with me. Finally I felt like I had a brother who loved me. I eagerly walked into the bathroom and he locked the door and masturbated. I was so afraid and literally could not talk. i did not even know what to call what he did. I did not know the words masturbate, sexual abuse, etc. I had never heard the word sex. The next time he approached me a few days later it went much further. I remember thinking how heavy he was on top of me. I learned to dissociate. I would float up to the ceiling and watch the abuse. Eventually I "left" the room completely, blocking out much of the abuse. I remember being relieved when my brother got married but that did not stop him. At seventeen he would open mouth kiss me in front of his wife and my parents and my other brothers. I remember so clearly how much I hated that. However, all those witnessing the kisses did not say a word. As a result I doubted myself. I thought that all big brothers kissed there little sisters that way and there must be something wrong with me for thinking it was gross. Imagine at 17 not knowing what normal kissing between a brother and sister was. One time one of my older brothers did not want me singing Christmas carols so he shot a 22 rifle at me. I got punished for provoking him. At 21 I went in the hospital with anorexia. I weighed 80 pounds. After almost a year of being in the hospital I told my parents what happened. My mom held my shoulders to the floor and my little brother held my feet to the ground and my dad beat me so hard across my face, breaking my nose and fracturing my cheek bone. The doctors did not do anything because I "deserved" it. My dad was a fairly powerful political figure in Kansas City. He was well respected. Family, friends and acquaintances thought I must have done something very terrible to drive my dad to beat me like that. In other words it was my fault he beat me. When I told of the sexual abuse my other brothers ran a propaganda campaign against me. They told my parents I was promiscuous and abused drugs. I did smoke a lot of pot but I got a lot of my pot from my brothers. My parents once said, "We don't care if your brothers smoke pot but we will not allow you to." My brothers could do anything because "boys will be boys". Whereas I could do nothing because I had the dubious "honor" of being the only O'Brien girl. When my aunts and uncles and cousins heard of my anorexia and accusations they wrote me letters saying I was so lucky to have my dad as a father and even more blessed because I was "the only O'Brien girl." My dad died when I was 25. I'll soon be 50. About six months after he died my five brothers beat me up. Because of who may family was and the fact that I have a brother who is a well known attorney on the national level the police said there was no way I could press charges against them for assault. I was so hurt emotionally and physically that I did not question the police. I took them at their word. However, after my dad died my mother started coming around to see my side. She told me what changed her thinking was the fact that after my dad died the neighbors started coming over and said they always dreaded when my parents left me with my brothers because they could hear me scream and see me try to escape from their torture. I'm glad my neighbors shared this with my mom because it changed her thinking but why did they wait until I was 25? They knew of my abuse from my screams and attempts to escape their brutality but chose to not get involved.

I will be fifty in November and still have chronic complex PTSD. I guess I always will. I collect disability because I am unable to work. My brothers are all married and are wealthy while I struggle to make ends meet. I have not seen them in 20 years. My mother is dead now. Last winter I heard on the radio about a bill being presented in the Missouri legislature on teacher sexual abuse. In the bill the statute of limitations were going to be removed on educator sexual abuse. I was angry and called the state representative who was sponsoring the bill. I told her the statute of limitations should be removed on ALL forms of childhood sexual abuse. She agreed and changed the bill. She also asked me to testify and I did. I was told I would be invited to a signing of the bill ceremony in Jeff City if the governor signed the bill into law. I was also told I would get an autographed pen by Matt Blunt. Yesterday, I saw that the bill has been signed into law -- so much for being invited to the ceremony and receiving the pen. Since I did not vote for Blunt I don't care so much about the pen. What hurts is being told I would be part of the celebration in return for my testimony and then not being invited. It hurts. I feel betrayed. Also, the bill does not cover incest so my testimony only help those abused by teachers and non family members. Had I known that, I would not have testified because it almost put me in the hospital. Now I am trying to figure out how to start a grass root movement to bring attention to sibling abuse. Not too long ago a young teenage boy was given 50 years for raping a six year old. He was tried as an adult. Now if this boy had raped a sister it probably would not have even gone to court. The police would probably have not been called and if they had they most likely would have stated there was nothing they could do.

I live in St Louis and I have no friends. It is hard for me to have friends because I feel that if someone got close to me they would see how dirty and "evil" I am even though intellectually I know I am not evil and dirty. I could never hurt a soul. I wish there were a support group for survivors of sibling sexual abuse in St. Louis. It is so hard being alone in my home day after day for weeks, months and years.

I guess that is all for now. I have never done anything like this. I have seen web sites for survivors but have never written anything. This is my first. I hope whoever reads this will not think I am stupid.

Thank You,
Andrea (Comment this)